The Mind of Damien

We miss you so much.

February 27th, 1976 - November 25th, 2005

After the era of Manila, Damien continued his weblog on LiveJournal.

(22:28)


That's how long it took me to solve the last of the Nurikabe sample puzzles on the Puzzle Japan website. Man, those things are great. And man am I a fanatic. I mean, no one paid me to do that. It was tough. I could have easily gone and done something else just as purposeless that wasn't so much hard work. But no, I had to sit there for an hour and thirty-eight minutes blacking in boxes and putting dots in other boxes...until I completed the whole puzzle and clicked the Check button and saw the little congratulatory psycho rabbit and raccoon.


Ahhhh. I wonder if anyone else taxes their mind so brutally for fun. I would think most people would give their brains a vacation when they had free time... maybe even force a vacation by using some brain-mangling chemical.


I need a brain-mangling chemical. Bring me cider. I won't talk to you unless you bring me cider. (I like saying that every now and then, for all you 16-bit-graphic RPG'ers.)
:-D

(11:27)


This big face on the cover of some magazine... another female celebrity no older than her young twenties. Is it just me or are they all starting to look the same? I actually have to look at the name sometimes to be sure I know who I'm looking at. Anyway, this one turns out to be Ashley Olsen. For a split second, I'm like... who the heck is that? Then I remember...ohhh that's the SECOND one.


Anyway, the caption reads "We can't do twin movies forever." And I think to myself.. you know what? You're right. You should totally stop making movies. I mean, twin movies.


But...what'll they do? Flip a coin for each role? Can you really pick one over the other? "No, this role is screaming for Mary Kate. Yes, definitely Mary Kate. Let's let Mary Kate read for it...... Oh, that was brilliant!! Exactly as I...Hey...are we sure this one is Mary Kate?"


Anyway, blah. I dunno why I'm musing about the Olsen Twins. My next car WILL have a radio, thus ensnaring my wayward brain and keeping it from meandering into weird terrain.

(16:30)


I'm in a foul mood right now, so it might a good time to pay homage to grouchy peoples.


Actually, I think this Ben & Jerry's is putting a significant crimp in my bad mood.... but... I think I can still access it for the purposes of today's weblog. Actually, I don't really need the grumpiness itself. So... more ice cream. ... mmmmmm.


Anyway, I dunno why it is that whenever there's a situation in which a whole buncha fictional characters have distinctive personalities, the grouchy one is always cool. This was brought up in conversation with the heretofore unmentionable girl. (Oh... wow... that has an acronym of H.U.G. I'm so freakin' amazing sometimes.) I think it was an oblique mention of Snow White and the Seven Dorfs that sparked that topic.


Because Grumpy is the coolest Dorf. He'll be a part of the group... only because he feels he has to. Not that he needs it himself. He's too stable for you!! You'll have to remove your annoying self from the vicinity!!


And then there's Grouchy Smurf... who wasn't really grouchy per se... just under a lot of stress. Not sure from what. The gender ratio of his village might suggest sexual frustration as a cause, but that's merely speculative. I just know that when a person or smurf responds to a mention of XYZ by saying "I HATE XYZ," that's usually a manifestation of some inner conflict. As a defense mechanism, he's spreading around his angst to include... well... everything. But he's still cool. He's still useful. He just hates you. And your tie.


Incidentally, Grouchy isn't REALLY my favorite smurf. He's cool, but he doesn't beat Brainy. So concerned with preaching what he feels to be right, that he doesn't mind being tossed on his head repeatedly by the other Smurfs. Never give up, Brainy... the ignoramuses of the world will listen to you someday.


And then there's the quintessential grump... Oscar the Grouch. Doesn't mind conducting an educational lesson or singing about garbage... but fundamentally just wants to be left alone. Is that so wrong?


Well, today I guess I can list myself among them. I'll call myself Smiley D today. I like ironic epithets.

(10:27)


Somebody: why are people so freaking stupid?

DFDMaestro I: I think people are stupid as a defense... against.... brain-eating aliens.

....

DFDMaestro I: Oh yes... and sometimes people are stupid because if you keep your brain on, you're more particular about choosing a mate, and you might be single longer.
~


Read and learn. There are many reasons people are stupid. The more reasons you know, the fewer excuses you have. Once you run out of excuses, you get smart. Or you turn evil. Either way, it's forward motion!


And then this is from another conversation....



[I'm beginning by speculating on why so many women want to be merely friends with me]

DFDMaestro I: Women want to be friends with me because I satisfy so many of their deeper needs without presenting any kind of a threat.

SomebodyFemale: Threat!?

SomebodyFemale: Why would being threatening, be a good thing?

DFDMaestro I: I dunno. It just is.

......

SomebodyFemale: Let's think of the associations of that word for a moment: scary, violent, overbearing...

SomebodyFemale: doesn't sound good to me. No, I don't like threatening men.

DFDMaestro I: Scary, violent, overbearing... those guys get girls!!! ;-)

......

SomebodyFemale: Does it work the other way? Do men like threatening women in your universe as well? ;-)

DFDMaestro I: Men like women who say "yes," which is to say, anything that doesn't sound like "no."

DFDMaestro I: "I don't think so" doesn't sound like "no," by the way.

SomebodyFemale: What about: "I'm not sure."

DFDMaestro I: Holy crud...

DFDMaestro I: That means ask again in 5 minutes

DFDMaestro I: And most men can't count to 5 minutes.
~


Tell me I'm wrong. Go ahead.

(11:44)


But I think that it's real this time.


Yah, words aren't coming.


Let's see if I can make some come.


Bent on dividing the world into three equal parts, Liongreln took up his sword and...


Hm. Try again.


Sold! Cried the barker. I didn't know why I had chosen to bid on it, because I didn't need it. In fact, I don't think I really wanted it. Perhaps I was just trying to get in the way. It would have been a travesty for it to have been sold for the price offered by Mrs. Bringly...


Hm. This is actually kinda fun. Think I'll do that one more time and then call it quits.


Don't gaze. Please... just... catch a small glance and then look away. It would be better for your eyes that way. Surely the torture would be with you for the rest of your life if you were to stare.... The key is to enjoy it without burning its image onto your mind. For everyone who remembers it... is enslaved by it.


Heh, okay, think I'm done. I was merely applying the Finding Forrester technique. Just punch the keys, y'know? Don't think. That comes later.


Okay, where's my phone? The day is on!

(11:04)


This has been a peaceful morning. There's nothing bothering me right now. It's not like there isn't anything to bother me, but... for some reason nothing is. And it's not like a numb feeling or an apathetic feeling... it's a good feeling.


The nether pain has returned, but I don't care. It makes a few minutes in the morning a bit trying, and then the pain lingers, ebbs and flows. Probably for the rest of today, and then tomorrow and Friday and through the weekend. But it's just not bothering me.


I'm a bit nervous about an encounter I will have this afternoon, but the anxiety seems distant right now. Arson in a faraway ghost town. I know it will be fine. I know life will be good.


I'm even getting over the initial...nah... too early to talk about that.


But you know what? I think I'm going to try something different. Focusing on the positive. Sometimes I get so caught up in focusing on why the negative doesn't matter... that I ignore the positive.


SYDK D, in a recent conversation, made it clear to me exactly what I am fighting for. I'm not fighting to stay alive...I'm fighting to be rid of cancer. Prior to that conversation, I never even entertained the thought of what life without cancer would be like. When I thought of it, the joy that swept through me was greater than any joy I'd ever felt before. I realize now, I'll do anything it takes to have a chance at making that joy a reality. Keeping sight of that joy makes life so beautiful.


But what if it never becomes a reality?? That would be so sad, wouldn't it?? To have all that hope squashed... Maybe I should be realistic. HAHAHA, balderdash. Long as I'm alive, there's a chance! Which means there's no reason for me not to freely enjoy the feeling of joy.


And even aside from that, this morning I went in to keep Leila entertained while she called in vain to her parents. It was a beautiful time...she was pointing to things, asking for things, talking to me, smiling, laughing... At one point she even pointed to the little baby monitor nearby and said "Talk Daddy." And I tried! And when I bumped the wall on my way out, she said "ahyou awight?" And I said "Yes I am." And she was quiet after I left. She understood that I couldn't take her out of the crib, or fix the mattress, or fix her diaper, or brush her teeth... (all of which she asked for) The fact that she understands me so well fills me with... well, more joy I guess!


And even... duckies... I was going to talk about that again.


Well, that's where I am today. At peace. I hope that I remember the way I feel now the next time I don't feel that way.


(Looking at the title) Whoa... that's right... I can't even believe that I started this entry out with nothing to say. Hahah.

(9:09) <= Ooo!


...when you're done eating your Frosted Mini-Whats, you're simply not doing it right.


Okay, initiate rapid plot summary on other weblog, and, Go.

(20:56)


It's just there. A fifty-dollar bill. It seems to be in plain view. Not hidden. How'd it get missed? Should I take it? It's not like there's anything I did to earn it. It's not like there's even any special skill I had that helped me find it. I just happened to be the first person to walk by after the whoever that dropped it. When did he--How long has it been there?


Is it defective? Counterfeit? Is it a trap? Someone's watching me and it's a test of integrity. I should leave it. Or pick it up and dial the SPCA or the FBI or the HBO or something. But I shouldn't.... pocket it!


Or maybe I'll just use it for good. Not for selfish things, for someone else. For someone needy. Or maybe I'll just hang onto it and wait to see if someone puts up a sign... Yeah right, what would such a sign read... "lost, $50-bill, sentimental value, call 51N-9M*$ ask for Yo' Daddy, sucka."


I think I'm gonna stop waiting for the other shoe to drop now. I'm going to stop waiting for the proof that the money is too good to be true. I think I'll take it at face value. It's about time I learned to do that. Sometimes, I can be lucky. I can come across something that I didn't deserve, and it won't be a crime for me to accept it! Life is like that, and I should be grateful. And Take That Fifty Dollar Bill!


Unless, maybe, it's... diseased??